A little bit of everything...

I'm so tired today. Tornado and I went with Master to the farm where he's been going to his horticulture class. We had a good time, especially Tornado. We got to help re-pot some seedlings and went on a tour of the farm. They had a bbq for lunch too, which was yummy.

I don't do so well in the sun, though, for extended periods of time. It often leaves me headachy and nauseous. So I've been able to take it easy for the rest of today... no chores or work or anything. It's been a good day. It's always nice to do something different and break up the monotony.

Tornado cried when we left because she wanted to stay. She cried all the way home... well until she passed out in the van. Then she started crying again once we got home and woke up. She's okay now, though... had a nice bubble bath and now she's busy playing.

Master is in bed reading because he's exhausted. So I'm trying my best not to fall asleep at the computer. I can't wait until it's bed time.

I finished Chapter 6 in His Perfection yesterday. YAY! I didn't work on it today, though, obviously. I'm hoping I can get Chapter 7 done tomorrow or at least get a good portion of it done. I know where I want to go with the book now, but still working out how to get there... or more that the characters are working out how to get there.

I'm in serious need of a maintenance spanking, but I think under the circumstances it's going to have to wait. We're both so tired. We get to sleep in tomorrow, though, so maybe we'll be more rested. I really miss playing with Master... we haven't been able to in a while. Things have just been so hectic around here. Maybe if Tornado goes to bed early tonight we'll have some time for a little bit of fun.

I've got a craving for something (and for once it has nothing to do with pain... although I am worried it will hurt)... I'm just to shy to talk about what it is atm. Have you ever felt that way, though? Like you just craved it even though you've never tried it... to the point where you could almost feel it, which made you want it even more?

Slavery is Not About Fear

slavery is not about fear . . .
. . . slavery is about trust.


It's been a while since I did one of these, but I figured it's about time I finished them up, and I still have a few more of them to write. And it seems like the perfect time to write about this one. Especially when I've still got so many questions and various other things running through my mind.

I have faced a lot of fear this passed month. Fear involving pain, fear involving my need for pain, and then fear involving the implements the will bring me that pain. At the end of each tunnel, though, was my Master waiting there to reassure me and let me know that I wasn't going crazy. That everything I was feeling was completely normal. And letting me know that as long as I'm with him, I am completely safe.

I can't say that I'm not still scared sometimes, but I do trust my Master. I trust him to take care of my needs even when I feel like it's something I can't do. I trust him to not push me further than I can go. I trust him to care for me and hold me together when my emotions just want to explode all over the place.

Slavery is not about fear, although that doesn't mean that fear is never present. It's always present when we explore new areas and try things we never thought we'd try. That's normal. That's why trust is so important. It's the trust in our Masters that allows us to accept that part of us... to accept who we are. We can accept it because we know, no matter what, our Masters will take care of us and keep us safe.


This series of blog posts is based on a poem by David Stein. Read Slavery Is to see the poem in its entirety.

My Bucket List

Got this idea from padme. Got some ideas from her too (hope you don't mind). It's a list of things I want to do before I die. I'll keep adding to it as I think of things and I'll cross things off (and possibly blog about them) as I do them.

1. Visit Disney World again and spend a week on one of the really expensive resorts.
2. Visit a bath house.
3. Go on a tour of Europe.
4. Experience vaginal fisting.
5. Meet a blogger friend.
6. Get back down to my ideal weight.
7. Go rock climbing again.
8. Find an agent for my novel.
9. Get my novel published.
10. Have my novel made into a movie.
11. Experience the violet wand.
12. Buy a new car.
13. Buy a house in Australia.
14. Buy a house in the US.
15. Go on a book tour.
16. Experience a caning.
17. Experience extended bondage (no longer than a day, though).
18. Sleep bound.
19. Go back to New Zealand and do our honeymoon over again.
20. Go on a cruise.
21. Experience Shibari.
22. Experience suspension bondage.
23. Buy a boat.
24. Take a boat tour around Australia with the family.
25. Finish my His Perfection novel and self-publish it.
26. Hike the Appalachian Trail.
27. Start a potted garden.
28. Get back into Tai Chi.
29. Learn some martial arts from Master.
30. Buy a laptop.
31. See Within Temptation live (hopefully in Netherlands so I can see them play with the live orchestra).
32. Experience a flogging.
33. Visit Gold Coast and go to Dreamworld and some of the other amusement parks there.
34. Have a handfasting with Master to renew our vows on our anniversary one year.
35. Buy "One Love" rings to replace our wedding rings for our anniversary one year. 
36. Learn how to belly dance.
37. Do an interrogation scene with Master (I won't give in... hehe).
38. Take Tornado to a planetarium.
39. See my niece and nephews again (haven't seen them in about 8 years).
40. Go on a family camping trip.
41. Go to another munch.
42. Learn to make meade.
43. Experience a scene while completely bound and gagged.
44. Go whale watching in Australia.
45. Go whale watching in the US.
46. Go white water rafting again (class 5 this time).
47. Have an entire day to spend alone with Master and be in "slave mode" the entire day with no other obligations.
48. Buy a collar for everyday wear.
49. Start making my own candles again.
50. Buy a bread machine.
51. Buy a pasta maker.
52. Build a St Andrews Cross with Master.
53. Actually win a NaNo event.

Fitness Check Week 2

My second week with the Wii Fit has been going great. I actually missed two days of exercise because of Thanksgiving. There was just so much to do. I was quite disappointed when I weighed in one morning and I had gained a kilo from the previous day (and this was before Thanksgiving). I think it was water weight though because I was very swollen that day, especially in my feet, ankles and legs. So I spent a good portion of that day with my feed elevated. It's actually a symptom of Hashimoto's so I experience it on occasion.

It was gone by the next day, though, so that was good. I didn't weigh in that day, but I did the following day, and the loss was 1.2 kilos so the 1 kilo I gained was gone just as fast as it came... like I said... most likely water weight.

All in all, I lost 1.3 kilos for the week, which is nearly 3 pounds. So including last weeks weight loss I now have a total weight loss of 1.7 kilos (3.7 pounds). Not too shabby, I think! :-D I'm only about 50 kilos off my goal weight now, which is between 50 and 55 kilos (110 and 120 pounds).

The best part is the physical differences I've been noticing. I have a lot more energy now. I don't get stressed as easily. And the other day when I had that big cleanup to do to catch up on my chores and get ready for Thanksgiving, I was about 3 hours into the cleaning before my back started hurting... and I wasn't even tired. Normally after 15 minutes my back would be killing me and I'd feel out of breath. Pretty sad, huh?

I'm so glad I've started this. I feel so much better about myself... I was really starting to worry about my health and now I'm feeling like as long as I keep this up, I have nothing to worry about.

Oh and I've also lost 3cm off my waist this week, which is just over an inch!

An afterthought: Kitten's comment got me thinking and I thought I should add the fact that these results are based on the fact that I am burning about 200 calories a day on the Wii at the moment, but my calorie intake is only about 1000 calories per day. I have a serious under-eating problem, which has probably also contributed to my weight problem because in some people when you don't eat enough your body goes into hibernation mode. In other words, it stores fat from everything you eat in preparation for a possible starvation period... only it never comes so you just keep getting fatter and fatter.

I have a very low metabolism at the moment (obviously) and it makes me eat less, which in turn causes the weight gain. It also causes the low energy levels, which makes it hard to exercise, and that certainly doesn't help with the weight either. So for me, this is working out well with just the exercise alone because the exercise is boosting my metabolism, which is increasing my appetite and making me eat more (which I need), giving me more energy, and helping me to burn fat faster.

If your weight problems are due to a bad diet, then you would obviously need to look at that too. This site has a calorie calculator that tells you how many calories you should be eating every day based on your height, weight and activity level. My calorie intake should be about 2500 a day, which seems kind of high to me.

My New Rules

Well I'm a bit more caught up on sleep... now I just have to get caught up on my chores again. LOL... I'm not in trouble again, though... I've been given a bit of a reprieve because of the loss of sleep. Thank you, Master!

I've also got some new rules... I think I mentioned some of them already, but I can't remember and I couldn't be bothered looking back... and I vaguely recall Master mentioning to me he wanted me to blog about it. I don't know... my head was a bit fuzzy at the time, so I'll just do it and cover my ass so I don't end up in trouble again.

Well let me tell you how this all came about... the other day I was feeling a bit off. I didn't know what it was at first. It wasn't the kind of angsty feeling that I get when I need maintenance, but I wasn't feeling very slave-like either. I was actually a bit depressed.

After chatting with a couple of friends it started clicking in my head. I didn't feel slave-like because I was feeling too free. I have never had any kinds of restrictions... I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted, for the most part. I was feeling like I just needed to be reigned in a bit.

So I wrote in my journal, telling Master how I felt and gave him some examples of what I meant, because I sometimes don't explain myself very well. I also admitted that I was feeling a bit depressed and I figured out that it was because I had spent that entire day chatting with friends instead of doing my chores and getting the house ready for Thanksgiving. The depression was actually from the guilt I was feeling. So I told Master that too to get it off my chest.

I'll be honest. I was expecting him to maybe tell me I couldn't chat or do any other recreational stuff anymore unless all my work was done and leave it at that. Instead, he told me that the following day I wasn't allowed to chat at all and after that I would need permission. In fact, from now on I have to ask permission to watch tv, play games, chat, and basically anything else that is considered a recreational activity.

If he's not home, I have to call his cell and ask permission. If he doesn't answer because he's busy, then I'm shit out of luck. Oh and I also have to ask permission to have any snack foods now too, which isn't too much of a problem, because I don't snack very much anyway.

It's difficult adjusting to it all. There are times when I'm cleaning that I just want to sit down for a break to cool off, catch my breath and get something to drink. I'll sit down at my computer, like I've always done, and then it will hit me that I can't chat or play a quick game. So I sit there and sulk for a minute... take a few sips of my drink and decide I'm bored with my break and I go back to work. Funny how that works.

I have to admit I've been getting a lot more done, so while I get irritated at times when I realize I can't do something that I'm so used to doing, I'm grateful that my new rules in this area are keeping me out of trouble and helping me get things done.

It doesn't stop there, though... I'm supposed to be asking permission to sit on the furniture now too, which I haven't been doing... oops. Well... in my defense, these are a lot of new rules to remember. It's a bit of an adjustment. Especially when it comes to habits, like sitting on furniture, that you've automatically done most of your life.

Every night I have to crawl to bed, then kneel beside the bed and ask Master for permission to sleep in the bed. Then in the morning I have to kneel beside the bed again and thank him for the privilege.

Asking permission to sleep in the bed is a really hard one, believe it or not. Part of me is like... hey wait a minute. It's my bed too! It's just that it's been "our" bed for nearly five years now, and to suddenly think of it as his bed... and that he allows me to sleep in it.

He keeps teasing and saying that one of these nights he's going to make me sleep on the floor just to drill that fact in my head. I've learned over the years that when my Master says something, you can be sure he'll do it. So I'm waiting... and dreading that night. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep well so I'm hoping he'll do it on a weekend when he'll be home... just in case I need some extra sleep.

I'm also hoping he'll let me use the small mattress on the floor and maybe a pillow. At least I'd be able to get semi comfortable. I suppose I can be sure of one thing. When it happens it will likely be a very humbling experience.

My day now starts when Master's does, so if he has to get up at 6am... then I have to be up at 6am. He did tell me that if I have a bad night and don't get a lot of sleep for whatever reason, I can go back to sleep when he leaves, but I'm not allowed back in the bed. I have to sleep on the sofa.

This has been hard because I am so not a morning person. I'm very grumpy in the morning. It takes me about an hour to wake up. I'm so used to being able to just get up and chill out for a while before starting my day... just to give the fuzzies the chance to work out of my system.

Now, though, I have to get up, make Master's lunch (I was making it the night before), do my workout, and then start getting chores done. I'll admit, just getting going in the morning like this does give me more energy throughout the day... especially with doing my workouts in the morning. It's still hard to just get going... I often earn several smacks on the ass that get progressively harder until I am motivated enough to get up and start moving.

Oh and I've been in charge of the finances because I am better with money than Master is. I'm still responsible for doing the budget and getting the bills paid, but now when there is money left over I'm not allowed to spend any of it without permission.

I can't say how this one will affect me yet, cause we haven't been paid since these rules have been put into place. And well, we probably won't have any extra money until after Christmas anyway, so it won't be a worry... at least until then. I imagine, though, the first time I'm told I can't get something, I'll be a bit on the cranky side.

Oh and I almost forgot... probably because I'm not really sure how I feel about this one. When Tornado is in bed, I have to be naked and displaying myself for my Master. It hasn't been convenient for me to have to do this one yet, though. I'm not self-conscious about my body in front of my Master or anything, but sometimes he wants me to masturbate for him and I'm really self-conscious about that. He likes to watch it though.

And the moral of the story? Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it!

No, seriously, I wasn't expecting all of this. Like I said... I was just expecting him to tell me I can't do any of those fun things until after my work and chores are done. He caught me off guard, though. You'd think I'd be used to that by now, but no... my Master always has this way of surprising me.

He did what needed to be done to make me more his slave, though, and I'm grateful for that. I'm still adjusting and every once in a while I want to tell him to stuff it (in not so nice terms), but when he gives me that "look" I think better of it and just do what I'm supposed to do.

I have to say that there is no issues with me feeling like a slave anymore, though. Thank you, Master! I love you so much!